The lockdown

The last few months the universe has been shouting at me. It is sending messages for me to hear, loud and clear. Just do, think less! Just start! The last few months, several people just gave it to me straight once again. Loud and clear. Stop thinking, do! Of course this is not the first time people have said that to me, but as a receiver it is always different in when, how, how many times and by whom it is said. However, it is hitting me, it is hitting me hard. 

The last few months since August have been very challenging for me as the universe was giving me a lot of opportunities to heal and grow. Mentally and physically. Meaning, it was putting a lot of obstacles on my way in order to learn from them. Physically my knee was giving me quite some trouble again. Over five years ago, I have had a couple of knee injuries (and surgeries) that, at the time, kept me from moving forward too quickly. In July, this started happening again. As I was walking on the beach my knee literally locked. Later I would learn, this would be just the first lock of a long sequences of locks. It literally blocked me from walking and going forward the way I was planning to. So once again, the universe forced me to slow down. As I would do so, my knee would get better and pop back into place. However, as I started planning, analyzing and rationalizing again, it would just lock again. So basically, my body has become a major guide. Unfortunately, my body and I still have some language barriers sometimes. 

Of course I have figured out this pattern by now but the truth is that often I realize it a bit too late. The thing is, it is actually quite hard to fix something that is fragile and broken (literally). It always takes time to learn a new language, and be fluent in it. And that is fine. However, suddenly I am starting to be able to understand the new language. I was so up in my head, in my own language, that I was not able to hear the new language I was learning. I lost touch. I was on lockdown. My rational right side had taken over once again and my left side just said: ‘Fine by me, but I am not setting one more foot in that direction. I am gonna stay put!’. (As you probably can imagine, I was quite stubborn as a child (and still am) and quite a smartass, and I would just (like my body) refuse to do things and sit down or lock myself up multiple times as well..)

The following few weeks I started wondering though as to why this knee locking thing had happened. Until I suddenly realized it wasn’t much different from the worldwide lockdown. After having experienced a lot of pain and hurt, I saw a potential new danger, which I didn’t want to encounter. As a result, I locked down the (negative) feelings that came along with that danger. Fear ruled the decision making over staying connected to my feelings and letting my (oh so wise) gut do the talking.

And that is what we see with this worldwide lockdown as well, right? It all happened really fast. The world found a common intruder. We all wanted to avoid pain and death. So we locked ourselves in. Fear ruled our decision making over feelings and gut instincts. In the Netherlands we initially even figured we were smarter than everyone else, not going on a lockdown but going on an intelligent lockdown.

Unfortunately, this tactic has two main drawbacks. First and foremost, you also lock down the positive and secondly, you do not get passed the negative. You will however, experience a lot of inner conflict and anger. Basically, you are stuck.

And that is exactly what happened with this epidemic. Everyone locked themselves down. As time went on the ‘inner’ conflict came, people started to find any reason to protest (this lockdown), which kind of makes a lot of sense. I was already surprised we did not resist the lockdown in the first place. How we just followed the herd and never asked ourselves how we personally feel about it, perhaps how we morally think we could take responsibility to avoid spreading a potential deadly virus. It was all about external motivation, none internal. And that is where conflict starts…

My body did exactly the same thing. A few years ago, I was on total lockdown myself. Every expected dangerous intruder (read every negative feeling) was countered with rationality. Which resulted in me being totally rational and totally out of touch with my body. As I started breaking through that lockdown bit by bit, I first learned the world was not as bad and evil as I thought it was. Unfortunately, I also learned it ain’t all pretty either. As I was more and more getting in touch with my feelings I also started reliving and living through all the hurt. And while doing so, I got hurt again. So, just like society is closing off once again now the intruder stroke again (lockdown nr. 2), I also locked down again when I saw a (potential) danger coming.

Even though I had learned it was important to sit still with the negative things, and that it was okay to feel bad, I was secretly still externally motivated to keep control of the situation and keep the bad out, and not internally motivated to go through the rough patches. Even though I had learned, my body still did not really want to sit still. Why not? Because it meant reliving the bad, and feeling all there is to feel. However, like I said there is also a bright side to it all. Once you start changing your strategy from total lockdown to feeling all there is to feel, your feelings and intuition can flow and the positive is able to come in again.

As I said, I had a wake-up call from my environment. As they pointed out to me that all I have to do is feel, I realized how far I had drifted off once again. And quite quickly this time. At first I resisted the comments, I had learned right, it was different this time, didn’t I heal from this (my ego really got in the way)? The thing is, we always keep learning and it is always difficult to break old patterns. 

Annoyed by the comments, but knowing they was right I asked for advice what to do. The answer was simple: ‘Just start doing, start creating…’. Annoyed by the simplicity of this answer and me being clueless what to do with it, I asked myself how do I this? Again, the answer was simple, by feeling and by not letting fear guide me…

So far, I had mainly thought about all the creative things I wanted to do, never allowing myself to just be and do them. Always thinking the timing or the place is not right (or could be better), or that I didn’t want to open that ‘scary’ box now, or that I could do all that later when all was different. But you know what, that is nonsense, the timing is always right. My friends were right, just start! So I started writing again. Using my rationality as a strength to do and organize what I feel like doing… Using it the way it should be used, in line with my feelings, and not against it…

What does this lesson mean for society? I think we should all ask ourselves, do we want to rationally lock ourselves down out of fear (and because we are told so or we tell ourselves this is safe) or do we want to create new things and spread love into the world in a way that is safe and good for everyone, based on our gut instincts.

I believe deep down we all know what to do. We are just scared to feel it, share it and stick our heads out.

Find your inner light, it is time to let it shine. You are enough by just being.

One thought on “The lockdown

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  1. “I believe deep down we all know what to do.”

    This is so true. It’s applicable to everything else in life. We know that waking up late makes us feel crappy. So too does eating all that junk, or not exercising, or lazing our days away watching Netflix. Great message here. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

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