The past year has been super challenging for me. A year ago, I really thought I had found some inner peace and that I had finally found a piece of the puzzle that I had been looking for. Longing for. However, as the year proceeded the universe put a lot of obstacles in my way to make sure I kept connecting to this inner peace and that I kept walking my own course regardless of all the chaos that would enter my life. Making me stronger, and preparing me to do things differently. In a way that I believe works for me instead of how things and society are arranged right now.
These obstacles entered my life in all kinds of forms. First of all, after almost two years of not working at all, I started working in a bigger company again. Secondly, I was living with my mother, who was fiercely facing her own battles head on. Thirdly, I had a knee surgery after which my body honestly believed it was in the biggest danger it could ever be in. And in the meantime, very strong, action-oriented and stubborn people were entering my life. All with their own opinions and thought processes which they were projecting on me. And, let’s be honest I was also projecting mine on them. Seeing them as total danger to my so called inner peace. So, by that time, I can tell you I gloriously failed the universe’s test. I lost my inner peace. And not just a bit. No, just entirely! I lost myself, and I definitely lost my course there (for a little bit). I totally let myself be taken by my environment and I felt rushed. Slowly but surely I lost total touch with the person I had become. And I felt more and more like the person I had been in the past. Suddenly I fell back into the routine of having to be stronger, having to know the answers, always having to do something, always being active, always in action mode, always needing to look better and be better. Whatever better means. The funny part is, I knew what to do to get out of this illusion, I knew what was happening and still I stepped into the old patterns. I was telling myself that I just needed to survive a little bit more, just a little longer, and then it would get better. But it never got better. Until I pulled the plug. I cleansed, I detached, I was just with myself for a while, reconnecting to the people I had learned so much from in the past few years and that I am still learning so much from right now. I started doing prayers, meditating, drawing, moving and writing again. And most importantly, I started facing the darkness of why I let myself be swept away. Why at sometimes I am so afraid to stand for what I believe in, talk about it and express myself. Facing the darkness of why I get so angry when I fail to sit still with myself and follow my own path. The thing I think is most hilarious is that whereas when I am in my inner peace mode I feel happy and excited to not know the future, in my chaos mode I am totally anxious about it. I try to analyze and rationalize every little decision. Which in turn will make me miserable as hell. In the end I will get mad at myself and others for not letting me feel me and free. Yeah it is easy to externalize it all..
However, as I really slowly come back to this place of inner peace and I am rediscovering nature, I realize it was all the universe testing me to stay true to myself. Even in a society that is not build upon the ideas I believe in. To keep going and not let myself be directed by others, just because I want to survive. The thing is, you will survive anyway and you have much more to bring society by being yourself than by conforming to others. I realized this year wasn’t a waste, as it started to feel like on my journey, but it was and still is a major learning exercise where I am challenged to ask myself every day what do I want in this full on chaotic world that I am living in. Because if I won’t be able to do that, I will never bring the world what I am here to bring. Even though I am still figuring out that puzzle as well. I am confident this lesson will help me get there… And I am eternally grateful for the universe to teach me this lesson. Over and over..
Now as the new moon is coming (in my rising sign) I have the chance to choose differently, to be different and to decide once again that no matter what crosses my path, I believe in myself and I will try to stay true to myself. Now that some of my mental blockages are being washed away, I get the chance to choose my own path again, off the beaten track. Unknown.
What is being washed away for you? With the new moon (in cancer) a new cycle starts. A cycle of nurturing and following your heart’s desire. Decide what fear you want to leave behind and start walking towards the happiness you deserve. It is there, and slowly but surely you will get there. If you just keep listening to that lingering voice of your own heart.